on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
