You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
