How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
