Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
