I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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