I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
