I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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