Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
