I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Please don't give away my fajitas
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
