My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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