"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
