you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Dear god my vagina.
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