Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
