Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
