Are we in a gay sports bar?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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