Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
