I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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