taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
