I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
