wanna go halves on a baby?
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
So vagazzling was a success
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
