evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
