1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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