I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
