I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
