come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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