I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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