In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
