why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
