It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
