They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
