I want you more than these girls want KFC
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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