I just cut my nipple shaving
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Be still, my beating vagina.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
