If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Vodka?
Forever.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
