When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
