im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Send help, water and tortillas.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
