Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
