shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
