My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
