I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
