guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
