I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
