well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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