He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
