when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
