If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
