ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
There r osticjed everywhere
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
