just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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