Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
