well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
