The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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