she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
