If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize
