Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
